Wednesday, January 11, 2012

What a Realization

As you can see I have not been posting as regularly as what I had started to. I was doing great with my workouts, losing weight and eating really well. Then came the holidays and the cold. Here is where my progress started to come to a stand still.

I had made it to Halloween and was doing good at not snacking on the candy my son had accumulated during trick or treating. Somewhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving I got lost. I was trying to be mindful of what I ate, but my exercise was severely lacking. I kept trying to get back in the groove, but I completely had fallen off the wagon.

Throughout the past couple of months I realized I didn't have it in me to jump back on the wagon. I stopped trying to eat healthy and stopped exercising. I hadn't weighed myself in quite some time either. I just kept telling myself that I was probably maintaining my weight and that was pretty good. I could slap myself right now for thinking that way. I stared at my Big Girl On a Quest facebook page and felt ashamed that I had not kept up with all of the wonderful things everyone else was still doing.

So now what? I summoned up the courage to actually step on the scale and see the damage I had done to myself over the holidays. The results sent me into tears. I was staring at a number I could not believe...251. Not only did I in no way maintain my weight, but had gained past my original starting weight. I felt so many things at one time. Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Hopelessness. Defeat.

How could I do this to myself?! I let myself get back this way and now I have to work even harder to get out of this. I knew in the back of my head that I had been gaining weight because my clothes were feeling tighter. The new clothes that I had bought when I lost weight no longer fit. I have honestly come to hate this cycle of weight loss.

That moment on the scale was my turn around point. I will not do this to myself! I need to get back on the grind and start making the RIGHT/HEALTHY decisions. I will no longer overindulge in things that will harm my body. I do not want to feel this way anymore. My hardest part is trying to manage my time. During the time I had started to fall off the wagon was when I started nursing school full time. Having 2 kids, a husband, a job and full time school is not an easy schedule. I need to figure out how to work this out instead of just making the excuse of not being able to do it. NO EXCUSES!!!

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday and it scares me that I am at this weight. I have two beautiful boys that I want to be around for and be able to run and play outside without getting out of breath. My boys are very active and it is time for me to be as well. When I reach my 29th birthday I would love to be able to look back at this post and see how far I have come. I do not want to be feeling this way or in this situation on my next birthday. This will be my birthday present to myself for this year and next year.

Happy Birthday to Me!