What a Realization

As you can see I have not been posting as regularly as what I had started to. I was doing great with my workouts, losing weight and eating really well. Then came the holidays and the cold. Here is where my progress started to come to a stand still.

I had made it to Halloween and was doing good at not snacking on the candy my son had accumulated during trick or treating. Somewhere between Halloween and Thanksgiving I got lost. I was trying to be mindful of what I ate, but my exercise was severely lacking. I kept trying to get back in the groove, but I completely had fallen off the wagon.

Throughout the past couple of months I realized I didn't have it in me to jump back on the wagon. I stopped trying to eat healthy and stopped exercising. I hadn't weighed myself in quite some time either. I just kept telling myself that I was probably maintaining my weight and that was pretty good. I could slap myself right now for thinking that way. I stared at my Big Girl On a Quest facebook page and felt ashamed that I had not kept up with all of the wonderful things everyone else was still doing.

So now what? I summoned up the courage to actually step on the scale and see the damage I had done to myself over the holidays. The results sent me into tears. I was staring at a number I could not believe...251. Not only did I in no way maintain my weight, but had gained past my original starting weight. I felt so many things at one time. Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Hopelessness. Defeat.

How could I do this to myself?! I let myself get back this way and now I have to work even harder to get out of this. I knew in the back of my head that I had been gaining weight because my clothes were feeling tighter. The new clothes that I had bought when I lost weight no longer fit. I have honestly come to hate this cycle of weight loss.

That moment on the scale was my turn around point. I will not do this to myself! I need to get back on the grind and start making the RIGHT/HEALTHY decisions. I will no longer overindulge in things that will harm my body. I do not want to feel this way anymore. My hardest part is trying to manage my time. During the time I had started to fall off the wagon was when I started nursing school full time. Having 2 kids, a husband, a job and full time school is not an easy schedule. I need to figure out how to work this out instead of just making the excuse of not being able to do it. NO EXCUSES!!!

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday and it scares me that I am at this weight. I have two beautiful boys that I want to be around for and be able to run and play outside without getting out of breath. My boys are very active and it is time for me to be as well. When I reach my 29th birthday I would love to be able to look back at this post and see how far I have come. I do not want to be feeling this way or in this situation on my next birthday. This will be my birthday present to myself for this year and next year.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm a Survivor

     Yes, I am a survivor. Want to know why?? I survived one month of healthy eating and exercising. The funny thing is I liked it and didn't feel like it was torture. There are people out there that think that eating healthy and exercising is torture; I use to be one of those people. Now I realize that is not true. Yes, it may suck in the beginning, because your body is telling you to stop. Once your body figures out, "Hey I'm suppose to use those muscles and move like this on a regular basis", then that's when it starts becoming easier. This is not the thing that is bothering me though.

     One thing that has bothered me is that everyone I know keeps asking, "What kind of diet are you on?" I tell them very politely that I am not on a diet and that I am changing my lifestyle to become a healthier person. Then comes the look of, "Oh, okay...". Some of you may be familiar with that look. The look I'm talking about is the one that has doubt or thinks "yea right" or is even trying to hold in the laughter. Well, you know what? I'm doing this for ME and not for those people. I know I'm doing my best and surviving the trials and tribulations of changing to a new, better, healthier lifestyle.

     I started my quest 1 month ago and I feel amazing. I am able to actually walk more than one mile and am up to 3-4 miles. I have started running and training for a 5k. I was so inspired by other people's weight loss journey that I decided to participate in a 5k in November. I am doing the Couch 2 5k running program and I can say that I am seeing a difference in my endurance, strength and attitude. Before I made the decision to really change and not do a temporary scheme (a.k.a diet), I would loathe the thought of running. My excuse was I was too big to run. I was just full of excuses, let me tell you. Now I want it to be decent weather outside so I can go out and walk/jog (a.k.a wog). I look forward to challenging myself with each workout. I look forward to trying to fit in as much exercise as I can in one day.

     I can not wait to see how I change even more within the next few months. If it has only been one month and my outlook has started to change, imagine what it will be as time passes by. Yes, I can say I'm a survivor and I will keep surviving. I know there are times were I will fall back and feel defeated, but I will SURVIVE it and keep pushing forward. I know everyone has the survival instincts in them also. You just have to dig deep inside and find it. Once you have found it then put it straight to work and say, "I AM A SURVIVOR!"

Weighing In with a Scale Obsession

     I started my blog one week ago and stated on it that I would post weekly updates of my weight, whether good or bad. I have also decided to put my measurements up as well. So as of last week I have lost 5 lbs!! Woo-Hoo!!! I am very excited about it. Now last week I didn't take my measurements so I do not have anything to compare to.

As of this week though here they are:

Bust: 39
Waist: 50 (Yikes!!)
Hips: 54 3/4 (Yikes!!)
Right Thigh: 31 1/2      Left Thigh: 33 1/4                                    (That's a weird difference between my thighs)
Right Arm: 15 3/4       Left Arm: 15


     So now I am hoping to see how next week will turn out. This week was a very good start to my new lifestyle. My husband even did a few workouts himself! Hopefully I am inspiring him and he will join me into becoming healthier.

     One thing that I did notice was that every morning I would go to the downstairs bathroom and weigh myself; I would also weigh myself before I went to bed. I know, I know, not the greatest thing to do. Somehow I have become obsessed with it. When I use to do my crazy diets before I was completely and utterly obsessed with the scale. I would get on it every chance I got. This would effect my mood and either have me happy or sad. I learned that the scale is my enemy and I shouldn't rely on it completely. I should start noticing how my clothes fit on me or how I am looking in the mirror.

     Many people become obsessed with the scale and base their entire diet around it. The reality is that your weight is going to fluctuate day to day. In fact it will actually change throughout the day. Here are some reasons not to weigh yourself constantly:

1. Muscle weighs more than fat. If you are doing strength training, then you are building up your muscle. This will cause the scale to go up. Most people do not realize this and get alarmed. The fact is having more muscle is good! It helps out your metabolism and helps reduce the amount of fat you have.

2. All scales are not the same. Do not weigh yourself on all types of different scales; i.e. at the gym, at home, at the doctor, at your friend's home. There is always a difference when I get weighed at my doctor's office compared to at home. It is usually off by a few pounds.

3. Your weight will change throughout the day. Your body does all kinds of weird things and making your weight go up and down is part of it.

4. You will make yourself go crazy! If the scale isn't where you want it to be you will feel horrible and that might lead to a lack of motivation. You may give up, because you might think, "What the heck, nothing is working." Or the opposite may occur; you may see a slight decrease in weight and splurge.

      So why is it that we have become so infatuated with this little machine? I would like to think that I can just hide my scale and not try to look for it, but honestly I think I would go through withdrawl. I will however start limiting myself on how many times I weigh myself. I promise to not weigh myself more than once a day. Can you make that promise too?? Let's put an end to the scale obsession.

Stressing Out

     Yesterday morning I woke up sore from doing lunges the day before. Oh man did my thighs burn when I got up from bed. I decided to let my body rest and skipped doing any exercise. Now I am not sure if it was a coincidence or not, but I felt very blah yesterday. By blah I mean that I just felt very stressed and frustrated. I am a stay at home mom to 2 boys and also a student. My classes don't start until the end of October and I have been on break since May. I think not having any interaction with other adults or getting a break from the kids really wore me out and it all just hit me yesterday. I had a little break down last night and this morning I thought that maybe it had to do with not doing any exercise. I also knew it was because I store all my emotions inside until I am ready to blow, but that's a different subject.

     Now I know that there have been numerous amounts of studies linking exercise with better moods. I have searched on the internet and have read a few articles about this. When you exercise your body releases endorphins (which are like natural stress relievers). These endorphins put you in a good or better mood. Now let me just say that I am not an expert on this nor am I a doctor. When your body releases adrenaline, endorphins, serotonin and other hormones this can cause you to feel great. So if we miss one day of exercise will we break down?? Not necessarily, unless you were in my situation and let everything pile on top of you until you couldn't take it anymore. Talk about a heavy load.

     Okay, maybe we shouldn't get ourselves all hyped up and super stressed over things and blow up, like me. I hold onto my feelings until everything is so built up that one simple action can bring out the worst in me. How scary is that? I am sometimes an emotional eater and yesterday would have triggered an immediate response. Instead I had a good cry, talked to my best friend, took a shower and went to bed. It is very hard to try and refocus yourself once you have a habit of going to food when your sad, mad, happy, scared, etc. Since I started this blog, which was only 5 days ago, I have struggled everyday to resist that temptation. Instead I have been focusing my energy in exercising. Surprisingly, I feel the same way after I go for a long walk as I do when I'm eating an ice cream sundae. The only difference is after my walk I feel great and extremely proud of myself; after the sundae I feel ashamed and guilty.

     This is something that I have kind of known for awhile, but have refused to accept the reality of it. I knew exercise is good for you and makes you feel amazing afterwards, but I was too lazy to get up and do it. I also knew that eating your emotions was bad for you, but I still did it and felt horrible afterwards. Now that I have finally dug my heels in and started this new lifestyle I refuse to go back. Maybe yesterday was a coincidence, but it really made me think. I honestly didn't believe that exercise really would help me release stress. I wasn't a believer in it until today. This morning I did some Zumba and danced my booty off and afterwards I felt great. I wasn't even bothered that my little guy was trying to hold onto my legs while I was doing it or that he was trying to crawl in and out of the steps I was doing. Yesterday would have been a different story though. Now as I am sitting here finishing this post I feel more relaxed and less stressed. Huh, go figure.

The Dreaded Number

    When I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to start a blog he asked me what it was about. I gave him the overview of what I wanted to do and got to work. Once I finished my first post I couldn't wait for someone to read it and for them to be able to relate to what I was going through. Of course I wanted to share my excitement with my husband, but one thing was keeping me from letting him read my post. It was the one thing that I was completely embarrassed about and could not come to telling my husband...how much I actually weighed. As ridiculous as this may seem I have never told my husband how much I weighed and would never even let him look at the scale even when he was with me at my prenatal visits. I would tell him to stand behind me so he wouldn't be able to see the number that would pop up.

     I know I am not the only person in this world that is embarrassed to tell their significant other that one number; no I'm not talking about the "partners" number. I'm talking about that dreaded number that comes up when we step on a small device and it sometimes reminds us that we aren't doing enough. It's amazing how sometimes this small device can have so much power over us.

     I'm not sure why I am so embarrassed to tell him this number...he knows everything else about me. He knows other things that I would be embarrassed to tell my friends or family members. I have struggled with this dilemma for a few years now. I know my husband loves me and does not care what that number is; yet I'm still scared of what he might think. He's obviously seen what's hiding under my clothes and has not thought anything bad.  One thing that adds to the anxiety of him finding out my real weight is that he thinks I'm a much smaller number. I'm afraid that once he realizes my actual weight that he will see me in a whole different way.

     I know some women have no problems saying that number out loud and that is very empowering. As for myself, I'm still barely able to whisper that number out loud. While proof reading my first post I actually stopped at the numbers I had put on there. I was staring at the screen thinking to myself if I really wanted to put that information out there. I finished reading it and hit publish. I mean here I am on the internet telling millions of people, yet I can not tell my husband. It somehow seems easier to open up to strangers, especially if you are sitting behind a keyboard and a screen. So should I just keep this dirty little secret to myself until I have lost some weight and feel better about myself or should I just tell him now so I get this burden off my chest? Sheesh, what's a girl to do! How many of you out there are going through this same thing or something similar?

Surviving during "that time" and the cravings that come along with it

     So, its THAT TIME again and every month the majority of women dread it. We all know the symptoms that come with it: feeling crabby, being bloated, tired, frustrated and craving everything in sight!! I talked about this with my mom one time, because she mentioned to me that she was eating everything she saw. Why is it that we get so insatiable?? The better question is...how can we control it?

     I know that my cravings become ridiculous. I not only crave sweet, but I also crave salty and spicy! I feel like I completely lose control and all the hard work I had put in goes down the drain. I know keeping lots of veggies and fruits on hand will help, but what do you do when you don't want those things? Will forcing yourself to eat those things satisfy you? The answer is mostly likely not. So go ahead and take a little nibble of that chocolate. Now I said the word nibble not gobble. Do not take a whole tub of ice cream to the couch with a spoon and think that is going to be your nibble. If we can portion out our fruits and veggies, then why can't we portion out our cravings for extreme circumstances that happen to reoccur every month. Make little snack packs of the food you might crave later, but do not put it right in front of the fridge or cabinet in viewing sight. Hide it so that its there just in case you do need it.

     I mean let's be realistic. When you have that craving, some water and veggies/fruits is not going to satisfy it; unless you get creative. I will take myself as an example. I love spicy and salty food more than I like sweets. During those times I crave spicy/salty food more than chocolate. What I do is have some watermelon, cucumbers, mangos, or any other fruit on hand that would taste good with some added spices. It is usually pre-cut in the fridge ready to go. Then I let myself indulge in fruit with some lime juice, a spritz of salt and lots of chili powder. It is soooooo yummy! This helps out my salty/spicy craving and a tad of the sweet side too. I do occasionally want a crunch with my spiciness so I buy crunchy fruits like jicama and cucumber. This fruit idea comes from an area where I lived when I was younger. There were street carts on the corners selling mixed fruits with lime juice, salt and chili powder. Of course you can pick and choose what you want on your fruit, but let me just tell you how yummy it is. This is how I trick myself into thinking I have given into the cravings; even though I know I'm still eating healthy.

     As far as sweets go find some yummy recipes that are sweet, but still healthy.  Make your own popsicles from blended fruit juices and add some tiny pieces of fruit; it'll be like having your own homemade sorbet. My co-worker use to make zucchini cookies and boy were they delicious. They tasted nothing like zucchini and just like a yummy cookie, but without all the extra fat. I need to find that recipe to make a batch and I will definitely post it when I find it.

     Now on to something other than food, because it is starting to make me hungry. Keeping busy! This is a must in order to survive those couple of days. Don't get bored, because when you get bored you get those cravings calling your name even louder. Take a walk, go outside and relax in the sun (when its nice), read a book, clean your house...the possibilities are endless. Do not let your mind wander to food.

     I know that those 3-5 days seem like they take forever, but by finding little things to trick yourself into thinking your giving in to the craving will help you survive. You know what, let me tell you a little secret. It's okay if you give in to the craving every once in awhile. You just start fresh the next day and don't beat yourself up about it. Let's face it we are not perfect and slipping up is okay. I've slipped up plenty of times and would beat myself up about it. This would cause me to just keeping slipping. My thinking was that if I already had messed up this much I had ruined everything so I might as well continue. Horrible thinking I know, but the only thing I can do is change that type of thinking. I promise to not beat myself up for little slip ups. Make a promise to yourself to do the same; at least for those 3-5 days.

Starting it off

Hello everyone! This is my first post and I am very happy about finally starting it off. Let me give you a little background on myself and why I am doing this blog. Like many people out there I have struggled with my weight for a long, long time; dating back to middle school. It seemed like everything I did would work for a small amount of time and then all of a sudden the pounds would creep back on.

     After I had my first son I was at my highest weight at that time. I weighed approximately 230 lbs. Slowly during the next several years pound after pound was added on to the 230 and soon became 250 lbs. I used some crazy diet pills which did get my weight down to 220 lbs, but yet again after a few months the weight came back on. When I got pregnant with my second son I weighed in at 254 lbs in 2009. By the time I delivered in 2010 I was 275 lbs! This was the most I have ever weighed in my life. Let me also tell you that it scared the beegeez out of me! I thought ok I am going to beat this and get healthy again. I did get down back to 250 lbs, but I was stuck. So there I go back on the crazy diet pills. In a few months I was down to 226 lbs and I stopped the pills thinking I would be able to lose more by myself. Just like the previous time I gained pound after pound.

     As of last week I weighed myself and I am at 245 lbs! YIKES!!! "Not again", I thought to myself after I stepped on the scale. I believe this was my "Ah-Ha" moment. So yesterday I committed to start losing weight the RIGHT way! No more yo-yo diets, crazy pills, starving myself or any other ridiculous measures we all take to lose weight. I decided to learn how to eat right and to start exercising. Yes it is going to be extremely hard, but I am hoping and praying that I will get the results and keep myself that way. This blog is going to be my jumping off point and my helper in my quest to success.

     So here is were I am currently weighing in at 245 lbs. I will be posting a weekly weigh-in, whether it is good or bad.

     Yesterday I decided to kick it off with a morning walk. I put my son on the school bus, strapped my little guy into his stroller, put the leash on the dog and off I went. I did 2.3 miles and burned about 315 calories. I felt great afterwards! I tried to eat right the rest of the day, but I succumbed to chocolate cravings. So that just means I have to learn from my mistakes and don't beat myself up about it. Keeping positive thoughts on my mind!